What's the Catch?

During another enlightening Starbuck's experience (in which I also discovered that although caramel and chocolate are both yummy, the "Grande Caramel Mocha" is just ok), I was confronted with a not so pretty understanding of how I view God.

I think I've been approaching my Father with an attitude of resentment because I feel like He's been holding out on me and I'm not getting all the good stuff He intends for me to have because there's something I still have to do. In the back of my mind, I come to Him in prayer with the mindset that He doesn't intend to really answer me on the things that I most especially want because somewhere along the way I failed to hit the right button (or perhaps I somehow hit the wrong button) and He's still punishing me for it. I keep thinking that the promises He gives us in Scripture come with a secret catch, some condition I haven't met and for that reason, I'm unworthy of His fulfilling them in my life.

Oh, deep down I know better, but that doesn't transfer over into the way I pray. I still pray assuming God's not going to answer me...not because He can't, but because He simply doesn't want to. Attributing that kind of cruelty and capriciousness to God is dangerous, foolhearty and downright dumb. I know God is GOOD and His desires for me are more than I can ask or imagine. The problem comes with my human impatience. Because God isn't answering in my time frame, I assume He doesn't care and isn't interested in my affairs. Because I've been asking for the same thing for 13 years, I've got it in my head that I've already got my answer and that answer is "no." Because I think God has said "no" to my request, I guess I feel like He's denying me something good. I feel He's chosen against me. And so insues the petulant fit, much like that of a child who asks for candy in the grocery store checkout and is denied her request. Forget that the parent has good reason for denying the request for candy...I want it and I want it NOW! Ok, sorry.

If God is like the parent in the grocery store, the petulant fit doesn't make Him want to hurry and honor my request, but to keep withholding until I grow up a little and am mature enough to handle what He has for me. But, in the meantime, He has already blessed me with so much. When I stop and take stock of my blessings, I find that I'm blessed beyond measure and way beyond what I deserve. I must remind myself often and regularly that I am so blessed that I can't even begin to count the ways.

Does anyone else share this struggle?